My sheets look like a crime scene.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
