I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
