dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
