it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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