he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
