don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
