Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
