fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
