you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
