Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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