Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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