There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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