My balls are so social today.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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