uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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