Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
