There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
