the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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