MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We need to get me chipped asap
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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