So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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