All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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