My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
