you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
