Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
