her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
