he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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