new low.... made out with someone while peeing
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
