Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
