What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
