"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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