Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
