I think I died a long time ago.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
