just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
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I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
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He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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