oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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