I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
