im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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