i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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