when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
