Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
