woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
