She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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