At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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