Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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