also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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