I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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