Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
