she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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