Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
