i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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