i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize