you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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