I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
