i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
