I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
