im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
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Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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