I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
