You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
