I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
