also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
