it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
